Monday night, 9pm, Democrats declare defeat in the 2010 elections only 9 months before they occur. "This was a close one," Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said. "But in the end, there was no chance we were going to be able to hold on to our 60-vote majority. We're lucky to resign alive." Trailing in the polls, nearly every Senate Democrat declared that they were not planning to run for re-election. The ones not up for re-election are resigning, to avoid prolonging their inevitable fate. "Those Republicans are just too damn tough," Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) said. "I'm surprised anyone ever elected us in the first place." Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) captured the mood: "There's really only one thing to do when you have the largest majority in decades. Surrender."
In other news, Senators Ben Nelson (D-NB), Joe Lieberman (D-CT), and Arlen Specter (D-PA) are switching to the Republican Party to avoid otherwise certain defeat. "I've always loved the Republican Party," Sen. Specter was heard to tell Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "Can I have a committee chairmanship?" he asked the leader. "Please?"
Weak-ass liberal hippie Sen. Bernie Sanders (Socialist-VT) added, inexplicably, "Fucking pussies. No fucking principles."
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